i fucked up. i fucked up multiple times; 4 being the key number in this situation. four times that have had an everlasting effect on the decisions being made and how far one was willing to go before the breaking point. no indication, just the warnings those four times. should i have listened? yes. i did. did i change? yes, for a bit until something in my life fucked with my senses and emotion to the point that i started to hate who i was, where i was, and the situation at hand for stupid reasons. forgiveness is a word that i believe many people use loosely. is one truly forgiven when told so? there is resentment, anger, residual memories that brought such emotion, how can one just ‘forgive and forget’? you can’t. it’s impossible. but what we can do is take the situation, learn from it, manipulate it into good. are all four of my said events a result of the same root cause or four separate reasons? i’d say 50/50, depending on the timing of them. the later two have been a result of my financial situations, job enjoyment/future, and a realization that at my age (late 20s), i am a loser. not a loser as in i am a bum or a dickwad. a loser who tries and tries but rarely succeeds. it got to a point where i stopped trying. i stopped perusing things that i perhaps should have followed through with. i took easy outs and convenient routes through life to lead me here, my 30th birthday. bankrupt, upset, trying to keep the emotional turmoil of living in a basement not alone (not so bad since i’m helping a friend out), to top it off, my sins have caught up and have been fed up with.
i’m a liar essentially. regardless of willingness or unwillingness, i lied. i said i’d change for the better. i said i’d be a better person: more positive, less upset about stupid shit, more caring for others i do not know. i became a mope of hate and bitterness without realizing it. it came so natural; being apathetic can be easy. but that was not right. that was never the option, nor should it have turned into it. she was my savior, my beacon, my example of how much a wonderful person i used to be and cold be. and for a time, it was great. but my early inhibitions from previous relationships kept her at arms length, just enough out of reach that i could keep her around. i took it for granted. i took everything for granted even more when i trusted her with everything. but i was unknowingly contributing to this pain that would continue to grow. unconditional love- you fuck up, you’re insured by love. not so true. yes, you will always hold that place in someone’s heart. but that space is tack on a corkboard of a picture from the past, not an actual chair to sit in. it is relic of the past that can not be forgotten nor disrespected but you are replaced by a thought and memory.
we become memories. we all become figments of people’s lives. that’s all we are. a collection of people’s experiences with us, brought together in a bag of meat and water. we can try and try and try and try to discuss our sins but only we know what we did, why we did it, and for some, how to fix it. remember the unknowing contribution to the pain i mentioned earlier? that grew. and grew. and grew. i was warned four times. never once did it go down though. we think we have time. we think we have a metered limit that can fluctuate up and down with “sorrys” and “i love yous” but they never do go down. they only go up. a limit has been reached. a limit that, unbeknownst to my fucking ego and stupidity, has been broken through and gone to a point of no return. i fucked up. i lost it all. i tried so hard towards the end but had no prime way to show or prove it because it wasn’t enough nor was it consistent.
so on this 30th birthday of mine, i broke down in front of my parents. god. they were so confused and i felt terrible. i turned my facebook announcement off so that i don’t get bugged except from friends of friends who actually know it’s my birthday. i don’t expect people to know. i don’t expect people to really care. i don’t have people making plans for me. i don’t have people gathering around to celebrate the big “three-oh”. i realize i haven’t just pushed away the one person i absolutely adore in this world, but everyone else. everyone else who for the last 15 plus years have been there. i took the disappointments that they had no idea existed (which most don’t except in my bitter mind) and took it to heart and used it as an excuse to ignore, unfriend, or complain about them. i have been a terrible person for 8 years. i have been selfish, lost, bitter, negative, and worst of all, mean. to some it doesn’t matter how i act because it’s “who i am” but to others, especially one in particular, it was a change from someone who didn’t care about any of that negative bullshit. this is my birthday wish. this is my promise. this is my requiem for my anti-self. i am not this enemy of mine- i am daniel, i will be me again.