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happy 30th, asshole

i fucked up. i fucked up multiple times; 4 being the key number in this situation. four times that have had an everlasting effect on the decisions being made and how far one was willing to go before the breaking point. no indication, just the warnings those four times. should i have listened? yes. i did. did i change? yes, for a bit until something in my life fucked with my senses and emotion to the point that i started to hate who i was, where i was, and the situation at hand for stupid reasons. forgiveness is a word that i believe many people use loosely. is one truly forgiven when told so? there is resentment, anger, residual memories that brought such emotion, how can one just ‘forgive and forget’? you can’t. it’s impossible. but what we can do is take the situation, learn from it, manipulate it into good. are all four of my said events a result of the same root cause or four separate reasons? i’d say 50/50, depending on the timing of them. the later two have been a result of my financial situations, job enjoyment/future, and a realization that at my age (late 20s), i am a loser. not a loser as in i am a bum or a dickwad. a loser who tries and tries but rarely succeeds. it got to a point where i stopped trying. i stopped perusing things that i perhaps should have followed through with. i took easy outs and convenient routes through life to lead me here, my 30th birthday. bankrupt, upset, trying to keep the emotional turmoil of living in a basement not alone (not so bad since i’m helping a friend out), to top it off, my sins have caught up and have been fed up with. 

i’m a liar essentially. regardless of willingness or unwillingness, i lied. i said i’d change for the better. i said i’d be a better person: more positive, less upset about stupid shit, more caring for others i do not know. i became a mope of hate and bitterness without realizing it. it came so natural; being apathetic can be easy. but that was not right. that was never the option, nor should it have turned into it. she was my savior, my beacon, my example of how much a wonderful person i used to be and cold be. and for a time, it was great. but my early inhibitions from previous relationships kept her at arms length, just enough out of reach that i could keep her around. i took it for granted. i took everything for granted even more when i trusted her with everything. but i was unknowingly contributing to this pain that would continue to grow. unconditional love- you fuck up, you’re insured by love. not so true. yes, you will always hold that place in someone’s heart. but that space is tack on a corkboard of a picture from the past, not an actual chair to sit in. it is relic of the past that can not be forgotten nor disrespected but you are replaced by a thought and memory. 

we become memories. we all become figments of people’s lives. that’s all we are. a collection of people’s experiences with us, brought together in a bag of meat and water. we can try and try and try and try to discuss our sins but only we know what we did, why we did it, and for some, how to fix it. remember the unknowing contribution to the pain i mentioned earlier? that grew. and grew. and grew. i was warned four times. never once did it go down though. we think we have time. we think we have a metered limit that can fluctuate up and down with “sorrys” and “i love yous” but they never do go down. they only go up. a limit has been reached. a limit that, unbeknownst to my fucking ego and stupidity, has been broken through and gone to a point of no return. i fucked up. i lost it all. i tried so hard towards the end but had no prime way to show or prove it because it wasn’t enough nor was it consistent. 

so on this 30th birthday of mine, i broke down in front of my parents. god. they were so confused and i felt terrible. i turned my facebook announcement off so that i don’t get bugged except from friends of friends who actually know it’s my birthday. i don’t expect people to know. i don’t expect people to really care. i don’t have people making plans for me. i don’t have people gathering around to celebrate the big “three-oh”. i realize i haven’t just pushed away the one person i absolutely adore in this world, but everyone else. everyone else who for the last 15 plus years have been there. i took the disappointments that they had no idea existed (which most don’t except in my bitter mind) and took it to heart and used it as an excuse to ignore, unfriend, or complain about them. i have been a terrible person for 8 years. i have been selfish, lost, bitter, negative, and worst of all, mean. to some it doesn’t matter how i act because it’s “who i am” but to others, especially one in particular, it was a change from someone who didn’t care about any of that negative bullshit. this is my birthday wish. this is my promise. this is my requiem for my anti-self. i am not this enemy of mine- i am daniel, i will be me again. 

i seriously just want to bash my head in. so much shit in it that i can’t get out. i can’t express it without being angry. i don’t want to talk to anyone about it except to the person it’s about and she doesn’t want/know/care about what i have to say anymore. seriously, i appreciate the concern but just leave me alone. she has her shit to deal with but would rather be alone. i get that she wants to feel that she can do this on her own but to completely throw away us, just dwelling on the worst that has happened, just baffles me. it enrages me. i feel used. i feel i lost her trust. i failed. i see a future; she doesn’t. she doesn’t even know what she wants. getting professional help is great but there’s a point where you have to answer yourself the questions you keep asking instead of just sitting, contemplating, moping, getting lost in your own head or whatever is stopping you from taking control of YOUR life. YOUR DECISIONS. we’re all fragile, some more than others. it takes a lot for certain people to break. when she did, it was a side that i’ve never seen of her. it scared me. i’m sure it scared her as well. but the natural reaction to push away, to feel that the last three years may have been a mistake… how can someone say that or think that. to say that ‘one day i might look back and regret doing this’… what the actual fuck. one day? you might? how do you fucking feel about it now? you seem all too eager and fucking happy about doing it now rather than after you figure out what you want. you seem conflicted in that you want it to work but NO, you have to stick to your decision because if you don’t, it makes you weak???? i’d rather deal with a 50/50 situation down the road rather than a 100% guarantee that you want this over before you even fucking start healing. you want to say i have never gotten over my issues from a previous relationship? well… sorry to break it to you but when i’m the only one giving more than half the effort, it starts to aggravate me, stress me out, frustrate me, question whether you really care at all… i’m going to have issues. the same very issues that i ‘never got over’. i never looked down at you for that. all i wanted was you. all i want is to be there for you. but you can’t get over your doubt, your vindication of your self worth apart from our relationship. guess what, that’s what a relationship is- you work together to solve your differences and issues. you forgive and you love each other and you TRUST each other. fucking christ, just tell me you don’t love me, tell me you cheated, tell me you want to see other people. at least those are concrete answers that a reasonable person can at least handle and start to deal with. “i don’t know” is not a good enough excuse for me to leave. “i don’t know” is not what you say to someone you LOVE, after 3 years together and 10+ years of friendship. you are confused, you are lost. don’t go out alone. don’t let go. why can’t you forgive me? why can’t you forgive yourself? where are you? who are you? you’re breaking my heart in ways i’ve never felt.. 

Trying to give space but freaking out because of distance

I think perhaps the worst part of being in a long distance relationship are the times between talks, virtual hang-outs, and random chats through fb or sms. Normally, we go about our lives- work, hang out with friends, etc. and think absolutely nothing of it. But there is that one event that puts a pit in your stomach, in this case an illness (no matter how minuscule or grand it is) presents itself and there is nothing you can do to stop it; nothing you can do to provide comfort and presence. The sheer emotional trauma that is involved alone can be worst than the physical effects on the body. Compound it with a lingering unhappiness in the overall relationship, this could build up rash, impulsive, confusing decisions- decisions that may at the time (or even over time for some) can be deemed reasonable and accepted. 

My negativity. This is what has pushed her away. Bringing up an event that happened more than 9 months ago (it was a fight, don’t freak out) and how it really disturbed her, how it seems she never wanted to talk to me about it nor discuss it further, is used against me without warning or preparation on my part to even remotely comprehend a retort or explanation. I can’t blame her. I can understand how every fight after that seemed to add on to a tower of emotional unbalance- how every time I spoke ill of x,y, or z that it just piled on more hurt. The pinnacle of this breakdown resulted in a dart game of finding explanations for feelings and fears and frustrations. There were so many “excuses” being said that I couldn’t organize which were me or her or us or the illness. 

She gave me the option while she tries to figure this out on her own if I wanted to wait or just leave altogether. My first reaction is why wait if our future together is uncertain. Surely this would be a waste of both our time and result in a even worst situation later down the road if decided she would want to break it off. But why would, how could I leave the person I love because they are in pain? We both agree that we have to work on our own issues- my negativity and her dealing with a new situation that scares the absolute fuck out of her. I’m the opposite of her and believe that healing both yourself and each other requires a sort of ‘team-work’ and that it is best not to be alone if both parties understand and is willing to put egos aside to help each other. But her wanting to do this alone (with the aid of a counselor thankfully), I can’t help feel rejected; that I failed her, that she can’t trust me enough that I would put differences aside so that she could heal. She says that she doesn’t want to hurt me but wanting a break is a guaranteed way to break my heart. After she got home, after I asked if she even wanted to be together anymore, she said she does and that she doesn’t want it to end. I take comfort in that, somewhat; more than before at least.

I can’t determine whether we are on a break or not because the distance alone is enough to give her space yet the emotional distance, despite her working on things on her own, makes me feel less of a friend let alone just an acquaintance at this point. I try to give her space and tell her that I love her and she responds in kind. I send one or two random links to a funny or cute picture and maybe a text asking about her day but I don’t know what is too far or not enough. There is a balance and I have no idea how it’s weighed and it scares me that every opportunity, if there is one, is missed or lost or ignored. I wish I would have been a better person- perhaps this wouldn’t have been so bad if it were different. I know she is in pain, that she has a lot of issues to resolve. I just need the patience and trust in her that she will be ok.

lmfao VAN EYCK- everyone looks like Putin








I lost it at the end.

Okay, I had to check out the Van Eyck thing. I was a bit in denial because, come on, every single person can’t look like President Putin!

There are no words to describe how wrong I was.

Reblogging this for my art history class this semester


The art historian in me had to reblog this.

(Source: cheekygeekymonkey)

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