The progression of my hemisphere is approaching the colder, bleak era of winter; the season I most especially hate, dread, and fear. Perhaps my emotions are an analogy of the reaction my physical body feels while out in the freezing tundra: numbness. I feel very little in my heart about others but myself yet I am overwhelmed with memories of my past. Recently of one who I have spent the better part of three years to let go and virtually forget. She seems to drive a splinter of anxiety in my head. Do not confuse this as an emotional response that would warrant a desire to return to said person but rather a shank to the kidney to remind me of what we went through for five years- both good and bad times.
One can’t help but wonder how life would be if paths were changed. I’ve come to terms that what had happened was the best especially due to my inherent destructive nature. Have I changed to make the past work or my future to meet the expectations I had made many years ago? Have I been, this entire time, not looking forward but always back, trying to rectify my sins thinking time would reset for my “second chance” in life? I believe what all of this has resulted in was to just let it go under my terms and not someone else’s- I wasn’t prepared then and could not imagine now if I had to go through it again.
That answers my question, I guess… Who I am with now is my entire life and I can’t be there for her; I can’t live my life the way I want to with her gone. The psyche plays evil tricks making you feel the emotional separation of someone who is not gone but also not nearby. Especially this season, the first holiday she is gone (one so prominent for both of us personally), I feel the constant need for attention and reassurance that everything will be ok and this distance will not hinder our bond. Who does the listener go to when he needs what he hears from others? To me this sounds like a rant and less of a coherent observation of self. Tomorrow brings another snow ridden day; more dark skies and short days are upon us- I can do this.